In honor of turning 30, here are some signs that you (and this does mean you!) are growing old, in no particular order. I’m in some stage or another of all of these, and I’ll probably add to it as I discover more signs that I’m turning into a cantankerous, crotchety, ornery old person:
1. You start to hate teenagers. When you see them coming down the street, you cross to the other side. You don’t understand their taste in clothes, dress, or music. And they’re so damn loud in the movie theaters. You want to shake your fist at them.
2. You start to say things like, “I remember when we had to set the timer on the VCR to record TV shows. We didn’t have things like TiVo, and we got along just fine.”
3. The musicians that you used to rock out to are now staples of the easy listening station. Or they’re referred to as "classic rock." (See my "Everything old is new again" entry.)
4. You would rather burn yourself with a cigarette than tolerate the whiny bitches on the Real World. You’d rather relive your childhood watching “I Love the 80s” on VH1.
5. Staying up late means midnight. When you stay out “partying” till 3 am, you pay for it the next day.
6. You need more clothing items with the words “control” or “slimming” or “flattening” in their names.
7. You are irritated by the interns at your work (who were born in the mid 80s) and their sense of entitlement. (Hey, we all sorted mail and made copies during our internships—those punks should get over it.)
8. The plastic 70s dishware, Fisher Price toys, and mass-produced, stackable Eames chairs that you used when you were little are now sold in antique stores for way too much.
9. Instead of t-shirts and posters with ironic sayings you find yourself strangely drawn to pictures of kittens and puppies proclaiming, “Hang in there!”
10. Your parents start to go from nitpicking about your future spouse to pushing for any member of the opposite sex with no visible signs of mutation.
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