Awesomely bad reality tv

Admittedly, I watch too much reality television. But these days, it’s okay to admit that you are hooked on American Idol (and even voted), enjoyed the first two seasons of The Apprentice for it’s educational content, or support a cult-fave-but-not-commercially-successful show like Project Greenlight. However, there is a slew of reality television out there that you watch because it’s so bad it’s good (doesn’t all of reality TV really fall into this category?), but that you don’t necessarily want to admit that you watch. Not that you care, but these are the ones I’m hoping stay on air:

Showdog Moms and Dads on Bravo
This show reaffirmed my belief that extreme animal lovers (I don’t just mean the people who love their family pets, but the ones who will, for instance, lick an ice cream cone after their dog has licked it) are certifiably insane. These dog-show people are the real-life versions of the folks from Best in Show. In some instances, the dogs replace children that the couples don’t have. In other instances, the dogs are basically live stuffed animals that the owners dress up for show. In all instances you will wonder what the hell are wrong with these people. My favorite couple to watch was Brandon and Ryan, the gay couple who were attempting to make their rat dog into a showdog, even though they didn’t have a clue how to go about it. (At one point, they were told by a trainer that they had to massage Liberace’s balls to make them drop, because a judge would have counted that against the poor thing, who gets thoroughly felt-up in competition.) I love dogs, but I just can’t wrap my head around what makes these folks tick—other than that it makes for great bad reality television.

Love is in the Heir on E!
The show and its “characters” were so ridiculous that I can barely recommend it as a reality show because I actually think it was all fake. And not even fake in the way producers can contrive drama; fake in the way that I actually think all these folks were actors. But as the show has not been unveiled as a fraud yet (it’s over so I don’t think anyone will do any serious investigation to defraud it—and I highly doubt anyone thought it warranted an investigation even when it was on) I will have to continue to label it reality television. The premise is that a Persian princess with no job and no skills is given something like six months or a year to achieve her goal of becoming a country singer, of all things. If she doesn’t achieve the goal—and marry a respectable guy, preferably also of royal blood—then mummy and daddy will cut her off. Why I think this show is fake:

Sign #1: The Princess comes off as dumb as rocks. She is Ridiculous with a capital R. In the early commercials she tells a story that is supposed to epitomize the amount of pampering she got while growing up royalty: Because everything was done for her, it took her the longest time to figure out even the simplest things—like to prevent a glass of water from spilling over, you had to stop tipping the pitcher. WTF?? Even chimps can figure this out! I mean, shouldn’t she have been educated in the finest schools? Also, although the fam was all based out of London, and she had supposedly only come to LA a short while before to make like Martina McBride, she has NO English accent, save calling mom “mummy.”

Sign #2: Her assistant comes off as dumb as rocks. He shoves a plate that is full of food—I think it had a whole chocolate cake or something—into the dishwasher. His role is supposed to be the funny gay sidekick but he rivals the princess in the game of how-low-can-your-IQ-go. He was, though, for me, probably the best part of the show. He at least kind of seems as if he’s in on the joke.

Sign #3: The princess’ love interest comes off as dumb as rocks. He starts out as her personal trainer (fyi, he is not ripped the way you might think a trainer—especially an LA trainer—would be) and is totally painted as the clueless and hapless dumb boyfriend who means well but still ends up screwing everything up (like following the princess to a fancy soiree where she is supposed to meet some other royal guy who has husband potential). Besides, I could have sworn I’ve seen him in a commercial.

Sign #4: The show is totally shot and edited like it is a sitcom. There are reaction shots and multiple camera shots and all those things that, while I’m no expert, look to me like scenes had been reshot. Despite all this, it was still fun to watch. The only thing that made me think it could be real: She never makes it as a country singer (very plausible, considering she couldn’t sing) and is thus cut off, and so she has to return home.

Project Runway on Bravo
PR actually falls into the category of reality show you shouldn’t be afraid to admit that you watch. The designers are all drama queens in their own ways, but it’s fun to watch their catwalk creations. I was totally rooting for winner Jay all the way, though I thought Kara Saun was actually the most talented. I loved watching the designers’ take on everything from Oscar gowns to postal-service uniforms. These people (well most of them anyway) actually had talent.

Supernanny on ABC
I prefer this version over Nanny 911 because I like Jo, the British Supernanny, over the multiple British nannies on the other show who look like they would eat bad kids. Anybody who wants to have children had better watch this show first. It pretty much proves that kids these days are spoiled brats. They can be pretty horrific—they smack their parents in the face and curse at them but then cry and refuse to sleep at night unless their mom stays in bed with them. The formula for making these kids better is pretty much the same every show—sticking kids in a time-out corner, sticking to a schedule that keeps them busy, putting kids back in their room without acknowledging them when they refuse to stay in bed—but I’m still amazed whenever, at the end of a week, the kids turn into these sparkling angels. Of course, this could be creative editing on the producers’ part, but it’s still nice to know that spoiled brats can be redeemed. As for me, I still don’t think the whole time-out thing works. I think I’m more of the psychological intimidation/guilt trip type. Telling kids they’re the reason for Mommy’s mental breakdown never hurt anybody.

Hit Me Baby One More Time on NBC
I was deciding whether to give my Seal of Approval for this one or the Dancing With the Stars show, and I decided I liked this one better because you get to hear music that makes you nostalgic. And I’ve always wondered what happened to bands like Animotion and Flock of Seagulls. I’m always most surprised to learn that some people actually get normal jobs after their fifteen minutes are up. The guy who wrote 867-5309, for instance, is a software engineer, and an Animotion singer is a graphic designer. Admittedly, some of it is hard to watch, especially when the singers do their own renditions of modern songs—like watching Haddaway (of What is Love? fame) crawl on the floor while singing Britney Spears’ Toxic—but sometimes the renditions are really good, like the one that Arrested Development did of Heaven by Los Lonely Boys. Then the audience votes on their favorite comeback performance, and the winner’s money goes to charity. I think this is a copout; when I first saw commercials of this show, I actually thought the artists would be competing for a new record contract—which is so awful but would have made the show much more compelling, no?

What Not to Wear on TLC
I love any show that has to do with makeovers, but Clinton and Stacy are my faves. If I ever dress like some of the people on this show I hope someone shoots me.

Now that there’s pretty much a new reality show every month, I’m sure there are tons more that I could put on here (I’m curious to see how that Bobby Brown show goes—I’ve seen the first episode and can’t tell if it’s going to be awful or intriguing) but these are the ones that I’ve grown especially fond of. Honorable Mentions: America's Next Top Model (I always watch the marathons on VH1); Blow Out on Bravo; PoweRgirls on MTV.