Just finished watching the third episode of American Idol, and I think I have an early favorite: Tanya Juliette Schwartz (I think that was her name). She had a really nice smoky voice, even though Simon says he didn’t think she was a star. (But he also said the same of Kelly and Clay, so whatever.)
Watching the show reminded me of the Rockapella concert I went to this weekend with W. I saw them years ago in New York and Va. but half the group is new so I thought I’d check it out and drag someone to go with me. They sound as awesome as ever (maybe even better with the new people), but only one thing threw a wrench into the night of wholesome family entertainment: the Screaming Suburban Housewife biotch behind me who was ruining my experience.
First of all, I have nothing against suburban housewives. I may even be one someday. But this lady was one of those really annoying suburban housewives. Not the nice kind who bake cookies for the PTA or carpool to soccer practice with a smile on. She was the kind who knocks on your door to complain that your grass is too long, or starts fights on the Little League sidelines by yelling at the umps, or who swears that Scotty is a perfect angel and would NEVER pull his pants down in front of the other kids. I grew up with these kinds of parents having taken my brother for many years to baseball, soccer, and taek kwon do practices. They are self righteous and bitchy and think they are entitled to everything because they serve on the f#*%ing community board or something.
Anyway, I was quite surprised at how rowdy and fanatical many of Rockapella’s fans are. Because they are an a cappella group (most famous for singing the Carmen Sandiego theme song) and have something of a family-friendly background, the audience is mostly adults, some with their kids, and some youngish fans who are probably mostly nerdy music majors (think the kind who join college a cappella groups—I can say this because I was one, sort of). The group has a loyal following, most who seem like good people. I never expected to want to bitch slap one of their concertgoers.
First of all, the show was scheduled for 7 pm. W and I were seated at 7.05, and Screaming Suburban Housewife was complaining that the show hadn’t started yet, and the guys were running late, those bastards, and of course she had to ask the attendants when the show was starting. IT’S 7:05. Calm down! Just because you had to drive through a bridge or a tunnel or whatever to get here, probably got here half an hour early to find parking, and then paid $25 bucks for a garage because you couldn’t find parking or couldn’t parallel park, doesn’t mean you take it out on everybody else.
I knew right then she was trouble. Then she proceeded to yell at her kids a few rows back to move into the empty seats next to her as soon as the house lights went down. When they did go down, she did that annoying whisper-yell that fakes being quiet but is even more annoying than had she just yelled using that harpy voice of hers, to tell her kids to move down. (If you’re the mom you give your kids the better seats, selfish bitch!)
But the worst was when SSH would sing along, LOUDLY, to any song she knew (UNDER THE BOARDWAAALLLKKK!!!!!nngarrgagrrrr), would scream constantly as if drunk, say very loudly OH HE SOUNDS JUST LIKE BARRY WHITE!!! and would keep knocking my chair whenever she got hot and bothered. Midway through the show I did a full turn in my chair and gave her the annoyed evil eye. This might have stopped her for about two seconds and then when the next song she recognized came on she started harpy-singing again.
W and I were very close to asking her to shut the fuck up, but I felt kinda weird doing it. This isn’t the Anger Management tour, after all—I would have felt weird getting into a fight with a women while some very nice gentlemen are singing “My Girl” on the stage. Not quite the same as fighting while Eminem is rapping about killing his wife. Other folks were annoyed too but they weren’t saying anything and trying to be civil about it. So we took the high road. Plus, I could tell she wasn’t the kind who would just shut up and apologize—she’d go on forever and be like “who are you to tell me in front of my kids to be quiet SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK!!!!” so I left it at the annoyed evil eye and just tried to drown her out. But you don’t go to a freaking a cappella concert to hear other people sing!!!!! Especially if you sound like a screaming harpy. I did get satisfaction out of seeing her husband sitting at the end of her row. When his eyes weren’t rolling they were closed—the defeated expression of a man who must come to grips with the reality that he has to wake up next to this woman every day. He looked like he had a huge headache for the entire show.
Other than that though, I had a very lovely time—I even got used to seeing the guys dance on stage, which they hadn’t done in shows I’d seen, but apparently they’ve come up now with choreography for every song. One girl bumrushed the stage to dance with them during the encore and it was almost a train wreck; I had to watch through my fingers. It was precarious there for a while. But they played along and were quite nice about it. They seem like pleasant fellows and are very nice to their fans. Interestingly, though I went to their concert to appreciate their vocal abilities, probably the most intriguing part of the show is when Jeff the percussion section does his “drum” solo (he is the human beatbox guy who never gets to sing). He’s got to be the best white-boy beatboxer ever. So even if I have to fight off screaming suburban harpies I’ll probably try to go see them the next time its convenient.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Viva la Tivolution!
Yes, dear friends—the ultimate coach potato has gotten a Tivo. Supposedly, this invention was made for me, but until now I haven’t joined the Tivolution. I’ve been recording my stories the ghetto way, timer-recording them on my VCR that I bought in 1997. How passé!
My roomie bought me a Tivo after receiving my permission. (I would have to pay for the service, after all.) So she got me the “gift that keeps on taking,” as her friend called it. After slapping down 300 bucks of my for-the-lifetime-of-the-product service, I can get a season pass and record all my favorite shows provided they don’t conflict with one another.
Here’s what I’m currently Tivoing…
American Idol
Anyone who knows me knows that this is number one on my spot. That means that even if I want to record something else that comes in conflict with it, that show is toast—AI has made the show its bitch and prevents it from taking up any of the digital memory in my Tivo. There have only been two episodes so far, and already there have been some so-bad-you-have-to-turn-away moments. I still can’t believe how deluded people can be about their own talent. In the first and last seasons, I predicted that Kelly and Carrie would make it based on their first auditions. And 90 percent of the time, you can tell just by looking at people, before they open their mouths, that they are going to suck. Let’s see if I can do that this year…
24
Yes, it’s the same story over and over…Jack must prevent national disaster from happening, goes against protocol and risks his own life and career to save innocent lives, finds out he’s being thwarted by a mole…yada yada yada. Yet, it’s still one of the few shows that keeps me on my toes and makes me go, “oh shit!” whenever I watch it. Jack actually shoots people and they die; there’s no prolonged pause where they can have a chance to run away or knock the gun out of his hand or he has a change of heart or whatever.
Lost
In truth, the show is making me feel a bit weary. I’m kinda tired of seeing them run through the jungle, catching spooky glimpses of Walt, and trying to figure out what that damn button does. But I’m willing to give it this season to redeem itself. Plus, Jack is hot. I want to rub his shaved head.
Project Runway
It’s a shame that reality shows are better than scripted dramas these days. There was already crying, tension, and cat fighting by the second episode. I already have my favorites and Heidi Klum is as perkily weird as ever.
What Not to Wear
I never catch this show anymore because it’s on Friday nights, but I still love it. And I can skip ahead through the sometimes boring shopping parts straight to the makeover.
Saturday Night Live
It hasn’t been really funny in a long time, but I still get a kick out of seeing if certain hosts can pull it off. Plus, it’s the only thing on during that time, and a good thing to watch on lazy Sundays.
Now, there are some shows that I haven’t committed to the coveted SeasonPass, but I am intrigued by and may Tivo from time to time. For instance, I haven’t really committed to The Bachelor in a while, but I was intrigued by the first episode. Mostly because of this one scary bachelorette who kept telling the Bachelor that she was ready to “reproduce.” I don’t know if that’s because she was a doctor and therefore says everything in a very clinical way (which doctors are prone to do, I’ve noticed) or some crazy Fembot with no weird syntax and human grasp of English. Whatever the case, she clearly was creeping the shit out of The Bachelor with all her robotspeak. There was no “I am ready to have kids,” or “I’d like to have a baby right away.” It was all “I’m ready to reproduce, do you want to reproduce? Bleepbleepblorpbloop...” You crazy spinster! You’re giving single thirtysomething women a bad name! No we are all not desperate and just looking to put your semen in a turkey baster! Go back to the Stepford town you came from! When she wasn’t given a rose, she proceeded to demand why she was not chosen. Um, because you’re a crazy bitch??? Even if you want just a few of his best swimmers, you DO NOT say that to a man you are actually trying to get. I must say it was a bit of a car crash that I couldn’t tear away from, however. I only am not SeasonPassing it because on paper it goes against my feminist sensibilities (a bunch of desperate almost-model types ready to cat fight over one man and/or your 15 minutes? Actually quite demeaning) but I’m known to be a sucker for trashy TV.
On that note, here’s another interesting thing about Tivo; if you want it to, you can have it record suggested shows, and I haven’t quite figured out why it’s picking the shows it does. I thought it was based on my SeasonPass, but that didn't quite explain its picks for me. Maybe it tracks which shows you spend the most time viewing? Maybe, but I'm still stumped. Currently on its suggested list for me, it has Judge Joe Brown, Cops, Who’s the Boss?, Full House, Gunsmoke, and the movie the Italian Job. And in the past it’s recorded Oprah and Dukes of Hazzard. Should I be worried that my Tivo thinks I’m white trash? No hint of Charlie Rose or Nightline—not that I watch either of those shows regularly, but I do watch them from time to time, and I’d like my Tivo to at least think more highly of me. Kinda like those people who get the New Yorker but don't really read it. And my roomie came home one night and caught it recording Spanish-language comedy El Chavo—when clearly I am an El Gordo y La Flaca person! Harrumph. I guess I’ll have to “train” it with the thumbs up or down buttons, but I’m also kinda interested in what else it’ll record for me…
********
RCNY Sighting: A bunch of women wearing skimpy Mardi Gras, Vegas showgirl type outfits, IN THE FRICKIN' FREEZING WEATHER, on St.Mark's on MLK day. They were handing out something; not sure what they were hawking. A new off-Broadway show? Pasties?
My roomie bought me a Tivo after receiving my permission. (I would have to pay for the service, after all.) So she got me the “gift that keeps on taking,” as her friend called it. After slapping down 300 bucks of my for-the-lifetime-of-the-product service, I can get a season pass and record all my favorite shows provided they don’t conflict with one another.
Here’s what I’m currently Tivoing…
American Idol
Anyone who knows me knows that this is number one on my spot. That means that even if I want to record something else that comes in conflict with it, that show is toast—AI has made the show its bitch and prevents it from taking up any of the digital memory in my Tivo. There have only been two episodes so far, and already there have been some so-bad-you-have-to-turn-away moments. I still can’t believe how deluded people can be about their own talent. In the first and last seasons, I predicted that Kelly and Carrie would make it based on their first auditions. And 90 percent of the time, you can tell just by looking at people, before they open their mouths, that they are going to suck. Let’s see if I can do that this year…
24
Yes, it’s the same story over and over…Jack must prevent national disaster from happening, goes against protocol and risks his own life and career to save innocent lives, finds out he’s being thwarted by a mole…yada yada yada. Yet, it’s still one of the few shows that keeps me on my toes and makes me go, “oh shit!” whenever I watch it. Jack actually shoots people and they die; there’s no prolonged pause where they can have a chance to run away or knock the gun out of his hand or he has a change of heart or whatever.
Lost
In truth, the show is making me feel a bit weary. I’m kinda tired of seeing them run through the jungle, catching spooky glimpses of Walt, and trying to figure out what that damn button does. But I’m willing to give it this season to redeem itself. Plus, Jack is hot. I want to rub his shaved head.
Project Runway
It’s a shame that reality shows are better than scripted dramas these days. There was already crying, tension, and cat fighting by the second episode. I already have my favorites and Heidi Klum is as perkily weird as ever.
What Not to Wear
I never catch this show anymore because it’s on Friday nights, but I still love it. And I can skip ahead through the sometimes boring shopping parts straight to the makeover.
Saturday Night Live
It hasn’t been really funny in a long time, but I still get a kick out of seeing if certain hosts can pull it off. Plus, it’s the only thing on during that time, and a good thing to watch on lazy Sundays.
Now, there are some shows that I haven’t committed to the coveted SeasonPass, but I am intrigued by and may Tivo from time to time. For instance, I haven’t really committed to The Bachelor in a while, but I was intrigued by the first episode. Mostly because of this one scary bachelorette who kept telling the Bachelor that she was ready to “reproduce.” I don’t know if that’s because she was a doctor and therefore says everything in a very clinical way (which doctors are prone to do, I’ve noticed) or some crazy Fembot with no weird syntax and human grasp of English. Whatever the case, she clearly was creeping the shit out of The Bachelor with all her robotspeak. There was no “I am ready to have kids,” or “I’d like to have a baby right away.” It was all “I’m ready to reproduce, do you want to reproduce? Bleepbleepblorpbloop...” You crazy spinster! You’re giving single thirtysomething women a bad name! No we are all not desperate and just looking to put your semen in a turkey baster! Go back to the Stepford town you came from! When she wasn’t given a rose, she proceeded to demand why she was not chosen. Um, because you’re a crazy bitch??? Even if you want just a few of his best swimmers, you DO NOT say that to a man you are actually trying to get. I must say it was a bit of a car crash that I couldn’t tear away from, however. I only am not SeasonPassing it because on paper it goes against my feminist sensibilities (a bunch of desperate almost-model types ready to cat fight over one man and/or your 15 minutes? Actually quite demeaning) but I’m known to be a sucker for trashy TV.
On that note, here’s another interesting thing about Tivo; if you want it to, you can have it record suggested shows, and I haven’t quite figured out why it’s picking the shows it does. I thought it was based on my SeasonPass, but that didn't quite explain its picks for me. Maybe it tracks which shows you spend the most time viewing? Maybe, but I'm still stumped. Currently on its suggested list for me, it has Judge Joe Brown, Cops, Who’s the Boss?, Full House, Gunsmoke, and the movie the Italian Job. And in the past it’s recorded Oprah and Dukes of Hazzard. Should I be worried that my Tivo thinks I’m white trash? No hint of Charlie Rose or Nightline—not that I watch either of those shows regularly, but I do watch them from time to time, and I’d like my Tivo to at least think more highly of me. Kinda like those people who get the New Yorker but don't really read it. And my roomie came home one night and caught it recording Spanish-language comedy El Chavo—when clearly I am an El Gordo y La Flaca person! Harrumph. I guess I’ll have to “train” it with the thumbs up or down buttons, but I’m also kinda interested in what else it’ll record for me…
********
RCNY Sighting: A bunch of women wearing skimpy Mardi Gras, Vegas showgirl type outfits, IN THE FRICKIN' FREEZING WEATHER, on St.Mark's on MLK day. They were handing out something; not sure what they were hawking. A new off-Broadway show? Pasties?
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Babies, pregnancies and engagements, oh my
So between Thanksgiving and New Year’s, I’ve met three of my friends’ new babies for the first time, had two good friends get engaged, felt another friend’s pregnant belly, been told by my family that my already married sister, who got hitched at a court house, is expected to have a ceremony, and heard news of another friend’s pregnancy. In 2006, instead of Four Weddings and a Funeral, I can look forward to Three Weddings and Two Births.
Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised, as I’m at the age when such things are to be expected, but I was quite surprised at the onslaught of babies/pregnancies/wedding news in the span of basically a month. I guess when it rains it pours. I’ve also been asked to be a bridesmaid in one of the weddings, which I accepted with honor, but was informed I would have to be singing a song during the reception, a la Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer. The wedding isn’t until August but I’ve already been brainstorming a good selection that will compliment what little vocal ability I have so I don’t come off as a bad Vegas lounge act. Or Bill Murray’s SNL wedding/barmitzvah singer character. Or drunk karaoke singer. Or bad dinner theater performer. Or cringeworthy American Idol contestant. The last time I had to sing at a wedding, I slept maybe a total of three hours the night before. Gotta keep going through the songbook in my head.
Spent New Year’s at the midnight run in Central Park, where you dance with runners before they start the race at midnight amidst fireworks. Instead of running, I was on purse patrol for my three friends running the race. It was quite fun, mostly because one was forced to dance to keep the blood pumping through your toes to keep from succumbing to frostbite. It was fun seeing everyone run in costume (saw two puppies, a robot, a few super heroes, a bunch of bananas, and the cast of the Wizard of Oz cross the finish line). But I also felt slightly old because I was actually into it. I was waving my hands in the air like I just don’t care to the likes of “Everybody Dance Now” and “It Takes Two” by Rob Base—when will DJs actually stop playing those songs? It brought back memories of going to a cheesy club like Webster Hall when I was 18 and still rocking the mall hair.
Random comment, but I saw a woman the other day eating a Peppermint Patty on the subway, not the mini ones, but the big ones that look like moon pies. I haven’t seen anyone eat a big Peppermint Patty in a long time; I didn’t even know they still made them.
*****************************
RCNY sighting: All the would be hypothermia victims running at the Central Park midnight run in tiny costumes. This includes you, guy in the pharaoh costume, guy in the Caesar costume, and anyone else with vast amounts of skin exposed in the sub-freezing temps.
Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised, as I’m at the age when such things are to be expected, but I was quite surprised at the onslaught of babies/pregnancies/wedding news in the span of basically a month. I guess when it rains it pours. I’ve also been asked to be a bridesmaid in one of the weddings, which I accepted with honor, but was informed I would have to be singing a song during the reception, a la Adam Sandler in the Wedding Singer. The wedding isn’t until August but I’ve already been brainstorming a good selection that will compliment what little vocal ability I have so I don’t come off as a bad Vegas lounge act. Or Bill Murray’s SNL wedding/barmitzvah singer character. Or drunk karaoke singer. Or bad dinner theater performer. Or cringeworthy American Idol contestant. The last time I had to sing at a wedding, I slept maybe a total of three hours the night before. Gotta keep going through the songbook in my head.
Spent New Year’s at the midnight run in Central Park, where you dance with runners before they start the race at midnight amidst fireworks. Instead of running, I was on purse patrol for my three friends running the race. It was quite fun, mostly because one was forced to dance to keep the blood pumping through your toes to keep from succumbing to frostbite. It was fun seeing everyone run in costume (saw two puppies, a robot, a few super heroes, a bunch of bananas, and the cast of the Wizard of Oz cross the finish line). But I also felt slightly old because I was actually into it. I was waving my hands in the air like I just don’t care to the likes of “Everybody Dance Now” and “It Takes Two” by Rob Base—when will DJs actually stop playing those songs? It brought back memories of going to a cheesy club like Webster Hall when I was 18 and still rocking the mall hair.
Random comment, but I saw a woman the other day eating a Peppermint Patty on the subway, not the mini ones, but the big ones that look like moon pies. I haven’t seen anyone eat a big Peppermint Patty in a long time; I didn’t even know they still made them.
*****************************
RCNY sighting: All the would be hypothermia victims running at the Central Park midnight run in tiny costumes. This includes you, guy in the pharaoh costume, guy in the Caesar costume, and anyone else with vast amounts of skin exposed in the sub-freezing temps.
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