Viva la Tivolution!

Yes, dear friends—the ultimate coach potato has gotten a Tivo. Supposedly, this invention was made for me, but until now I haven’t joined the Tivolution. I’ve been recording my stories the ghetto way, timer-recording them on my VCR that I bought in 1997. How passé!

My roomie bought me a Tivo after receiving my permission. (I would have to pay for the service, after all.) So she got me the “gift that keeps on taking,” as her friend called it. After slapping down 300 bucks of my for-the-lifetime-of-the-product service, I can get a season pass and record all my favorite shows provided they don’t conflict with one another.

Here’s what I’m currently Tivoing…

American Idol
Anyone who knows me knows that this is number one on my spot. That means that even if I want to record something else that comes in conflict with it, that show is toast—AI has made the show its bitch and prevents it from taking up any of the digital memory in my Tivo. There have only been two episodes so far, and already there have been some so-bad-you-have-to-turn-away moments. I still can’t believe how deluded people can be about their own talent. In the first and last seasons, I predicted that Kelly and Carrie would make it based on their first auditions. And 90 percent of the time, you can tell just by looking at people, before they open their mouths, that they are going to suck. Let’s see if I can do that this year…

24
Yes, it’s the same story over and over…Jack must prevent national disaster from happening, goes against protocol and risks his own life and career to save innocent lives, finds out he’s being thwarted by a mole…yada yada yada. Yet, it’s still one of the few shows that keeps me on my toes and makes me go, “oh shit!” whenever I watch it. Jack actually shoots people and they die; there’s no prolonged pause where they can have a chance to run away or knock the gun out of his hand or he has a change of heart or whatever.

Lost
In truth, the show is making me feel a bit weary. I’m kinda tired of seeing them run through the jungle, catching spooky glimpses of Walt, and trying to figure out what that damn button does. But I’m willing to give it this season to redeem itself. Plus, Jack is hot. I want to rub his shaved head.

Project Runway
It’s a shame that reality shows are better than scripted dramas these days. There was already crying, tension, and cat fighting by the second episode. I already have my favorites and Heidi Klum is as perkily weird as ever.

What Not to Wear
I never catch this show anymore because it’s on Friday nights, but I still love it. And I can skip ahead through the sometimes boring shopping parts straight to the makeover.

Saturday Night Live
It hasn’t been really funny in a long time, but I still get a kick out of seeing if certain hosts can pull it off. Plus, it’s the only thing on during that time, and a good thing to watch on lazy Sundays.

Now, there are some shows that I haven’t committed to the coveted SeasonPass, but I am intrigued by and may Tivo from time to time. For instance, I haven’t really committed to The Bachelor in a while, but I was intrigued by the first episode. Mostly because of this one scary bachelorette who kept telling the Bachelor that she was ready to “reproduce.” I don’t know if that’s because she was a doctor and therefore says everything in a very clinical way (which doctors are prone to do, I’ve noticed) or some crazy Fembot with no weird syntax and human grasp of English. Whatever the case, she clearly was creeping the shit out of The Bachelor with all her robotspeak. There was no “I am ready to have kids,” or “I’d like to have a baby right away.” It was all “I’m ready to reproduce, do you want to reproduce? Bleepbleepblorpbloop...” You crazy spinster! You’re giving single thirtysomething women a bad name! No we are all not desperate and just looking to put your semen in a turkey baster! Go back to the Stepford town you came from! When she wasn’t given a rose, she proceeded to demand why she was not chosen. Um, because you’re a crazy bitch??? Even if you want just a few of his best swimmers, you DO NOT say that to a man you are actually trying to get. I must say it was a bit of a car crash that I couldn’t tear away from, however. I only am not SeasonPassing it because on paper it goes against my feminist sensibilities (a bunch of desperate almost-model types ready to cat fight over one man and/or your 15 minutes? Actually quite demeaning) but I’m known to be a sucker for trashy TV.

On that note, here’s another interesting thing about Tivo; if you want it to, you can have it record suggested shows, and I haven’t quite figured out why it’s picking the shows it does. I thought it was based on my SeasonPass, but that didn't quite explain its picks for me. Maybe it tracks which shows you spend the most time viewing? Maybe, but I'm still stumped. Currently on its suggested list for me, it has Judge Joe Brown, Cops, Who’s the Boss?, Full House, Gunsmoke, and the movie the Italian Job. And in the past it’s recorded Oprah and Dukes of Hazzard. Should I be worried that my Tivo thinks I’m white trash? No hint of Charlie Rose or Nightline—not that I watch either of those shows regularly, but I do watch them from time to time, and I’d like my Tivo to at least think more highly of me. Kinda like those people who get the New Yorker but don't really read it. And my roomie came home one night and caught it recording Spanish-language comedy El Chavo—when clearly I am an El Gordo y La Flaca person! Harrumph. I guess I’ll have to “train” it with the thumbs up or down buttons, but I’m also kinda interested in what else it’ll record for me…

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RCNY Sighting: A bunch of women wearing skimpy Mardi Gras, Vegas showgirl type outfits, IN THE FRICKIN' FREEZING WEATHER, on St.Mark's on MLK day. They were handing out something; not sure what they were hawking. A new off-Broadway show? Pasties?