I do like yellow eggs and spam

I finally made it! I never thought this day would never come. I’m actually on vacation, and in a place I’ve always wanted to go: Hawaii. I’m here to attend a conference but since it’s on my dime and not my company’s, it’s technically vacation. It definitely feels like one to me, as I’m more relaxed now then I’ve been in a long time. I still have work at the back of my mind (especially as how my boss gave me SHIT for taking vacation right now, during a busy time of the month for us—and then proceeded to be out a couple days himself, but I’ll get into that some other time), but when you’re able to stare at the ocean right when you walk out of your hotel, you have no choice but to be relaxed.

In the two days that I’ve been here, I’ve already eaten lunch on the beach, taken a dip in the 70-plus degree Pacific Ocean, seen many beach bums who may or may not be homeless, gotten stung by a Hawaiian bee, gotten lei-d, and…what had been a personal goal of mine…actually bought SPAM in a restaurant—and at a McDonald’s, no less!

You see, in Hawaii, Spam is on par with beef, chicken, or steak in its ubiquity/popularity, and they actually sell a Spam breakfast at McDonald’s in those Styrofoam packages that you usually buy hotcakes and sausages in. It comes with two slices of Spam, McDonald’s signature fluorescent-yellow eggs, and a whole lotta fluffy white rice. I thought I’d have to go to a local diner to get Spam, but no—I just had to head to the McDonald’s just a few blocks away.

I didn’t do much research on what to do while I was here—but if all I do is hang out at the beach everyday, then I’ll have had a successful vacation. The only other goals I had during my time here was 1) take surfing lessons (which I’m doing the day before I leave) and try to buy a ukulele if it wasn’t too expensive. I haven’t found a ukulele place yet, but if I don’t find one then a few macadamia nuts will do.

Sigh. I think this is what God intended paradise to be like.

Weren’t we done throwing the Christians to the lions?

Or, my other title for this post: People are stupid.

That was the first thing I thought when I read this story about a man who lowered himself into a lioness den at a Russian zoo. Okay, maybe I shouldn’t be making fun of folks who clearly have more than a few screws loose. And of course, it’s a tragedy that a man lost his life. But the guy declares before getting mauled, “If God exists, he will save me.” IF God exists?? Dude, you don’t test the existence of God by lowering yourself into a lion’s den. You work your way up to that! Maybe start with like, “if God exists, he’ll heal this ingrown toenail.” And anyway, if you march into a lion’s den doubting God’s existence, you have no business asking Him to save you. Notice how in the photo the lionesses look bored, like mauling crazy people is just all in a hard day’s work.

A remarkably similar instance occurred in Taipei zoo a few years back, when a man lowered himself into a lion’s den and ordered the lion to repent. To which the lion replied, “Shut your piehole, LUNCH!” (Though in this picture, the lion’s expression does sort of scream heathen, doesn’t it?) The best part about this news story is how it ends: “Newspapers said that the lions had been fed earlier in the day, otherwise the man might have been more seriously hurt...or worse.” Or worse is damn right. He would have been cat food.

These stories prove two main points: 1) In the battle of man vs. hungry lion, man will never win. 2) People who use God as an excuse for their stupidity are only asking to be eaten by hungry lions.

(On an aside, I realize I've focused a lot lately on morbid zoo incidents/strange animal attacks. I hope this is not some sort of prediction of a random tragic animal attack on me.)