Which gym a-hole are you?

Okay, maybe I’m feeling particularly pet-peevish lately, but this blog post made me think of all the different types of a-holes I see at the gym.

For starters, I have to point out that I have suffered from a case of gym a-holishness myself. I only really started working out in my mid-to-late 20s once I realized that my metabolism was no longer my friend. It started out with about 20 minutes on an elliptical at level 2, then after a few years, for a brief period, I became a gym a-hole and would take two classes in a row and go like four or five times a week. But now I think I’ve leveled off at about three times a week, taking my favorite classes, doing some treadmill or elliptical work here and there, and getting in some free-weight time.

Even though the gym is a regular part of my routine now, I’d like to think that I don’t fall into any of the below categories of Gym A-holes:

1. The “Smell? What Smell?” A-hole: This is the A-hole who farts on the treadmill next to you or in yoga or in some other class where people are in close quarters. Sad how we usually assume it’s the nastiest guy in the room, but the truth is the skinny bitch next to you whose insides are all shot due to her eating disorder is just as likely to be the culprit. Most people in class where gas was passed are mature enough to ignore the odor and wait for it to waft away. But as soon as I get a whiff I, of course, have to scan the room to see who has the guiltiest look on their face.

2. The “Two Percent Body Fat” A-hole: This is the A-hole who believes s/he is doing a public service by working out in just enough clothing to disqualify him/her from indecent exposure, so all of us flabbies can check out his/her six pack. This is the girl in micro bike shorts and jog bra doing the Chinese splits behind her three-riser step to “warm up” for step class. This is the guy who always wears a tight wife beater and lifts it up to wipe the sweat off his face while flexing his abs.

3. The “Twenty Percent Body Fat” A-hole: This is the A-hole who isn’t necessarily out of shape, but somehow manages to pick gym clothes that make them appear flabbier than they are. Unfortunately, this A-hole is usually female, and she’s the one who probably wears the same outfit as the “Two Percent Body Fat” A-hole, but instead of exposing a six-pack, she exposes rolls and a muffin top. I acknowledge that society has instilled an unnatural standard of female beauty in me, but that still doesn’t mean I want to see your pooch. (Props to S for pointing out this A-hole.)

4. The “You Done Wit’ Dat?” A-hole: This is the A-hole who hovers around you while you’re on the machine and asks how many more sets you’re doing during your first rep while swinging his arms to stretch in preparation for his turn. He also asks if he can get a “few reps in” while you’re taking your ten second break between sets.

5. The “Just Five More Miles—I Mean Minutes” A-hole: This is the A-hole treadmiller or ellipticaller who knows it’s high-traffic time and is only supposed to be on the machines for 30 minutes, but has clearly been on longer judging by the fact that his white shirt is translucent due to an hour’s worth of sweat. This A-hole tends to cover the time on the dashboard with his towel so none of the annoyed waiting patrons can see how long he’s actually been on.

6. The “Trainer’s Pet” A-hole: This is the A-hole that basically acts as a class instructor’s groupie, following the instructor from gym location to gym location like an obsessive fan, very obviously making personal conversation with celebrity instructor before and after class, putting his/her equipment away for him—everything short of sopping up the instructor’s sweat with her own tongue.

7. The “Monica Seles” A-hole: This is the A-Hole who grunts louder than tennis pro Monica while benchpressing some insane amount of weight while simultaneously checking himself out in the mirror. Nearby gym attendees are forced to turn up their iPods to avoid that discomfort you feel when the person next to you sounds like they are taking a dump or getting laid.

8. The “Cell Phone” A-hole: This is self-explanatory. This is the A-hole who gabs away on her cell phone, out of breath, while running or doing the elliptical, clearly ignoring the “cell phone use in designated areas only” sign. This A-hole typically talks louder than normal to be heard over the sound of the machines and the grunts coming from Monica Seles A-hole.

9. The “Meat Marketer” A-hole: This is the A-hole who is always looking around the room for the “Two Percent Body Fat” A-hole so he can chat her up.

10. The “Do As I Say, Not as I Look” Trainer A-hole: This A-hole is the trainer who teaches an abs class without a six pack, or who teaches an aerobics class by barking out instructions but not doing any moves, or teaches a dance class with no rhythm (and yes, I’ve experienced all three of these trainer A-holes). You have no clue how these people became instructors, or how the gym manager managed to overlook the potbelly when he hired him. They may as well be teaching class while sitting in La-Z-Boy eating a donut. For some mysterious reason, these Trainer A-holes also tend to wear 80s workout gear, like pantyhose underneath leotards or Le Coq Sportif track suits.