I'm gonna make you my bitch

Literally, in this photo.

This picture of my friend's dogs cracks me up. They don't live in New York (they are from the wilds of the Great White North), but the photo reminded me of all the little dogs I see in the city who have the biggest Napoleon complex.

Ah, New York...where else in the world will you see Lhasa Apsos strut into Bloomie's with their owners, as if it were an everyday dog park? Where else will you actually find restaurants that gladly welcome Fido to the table? Where else will you find doggie spas that'll pamper your pooch for more than I've ever paid for my own massage?

New York is basically overrun by 1) rats and 2) rat-like dogs being carried in big designer purses. And in New York, the dog's life really ain't so bad. I see these pampered Napoleon-complexed yappers all the time. They don't even think they're big dogs; they think they're humans.

And the irony is they've made their humans their bitches. They've managed to turn billionaire bankers, models, lawyers, hipsters, and Upper East Side princesses alike into little more than highly paid pooper scoopers. Their owners will pass by a hundred homeless people without giving them a second look, but are willing to put little more than a flimsy plastic bag between their manicured hands and a steaming pile of dog shit. I've even seen a man with a Great Dane hold a butterfly net-looking thing under his dog's ass to catch the poop before it hit the ground. Even your mother wouldn't do that for you.

The bunny’s gone bad

See, this is what happens when you bastardize the celebration of the Lord’s resurrection by making up some stupid shyte about bunnies that hide eggs. You create a monstrosity that evolves, becomes intelligent, and goes on a rampage.

What’s next, a sadistic Santa Claus that hides lumps of coal in the stockings of children who don’t conform to society’s prescribed norms on adolescent behavior?

Oh crap. That already exists. Now we’re all screwed.

Next up: The Tooth Fairy who exchanges money for teeth—that she pulls out with her own pliers. Muuuaaahhhhaaaaa!

Happy belated Easter.

Tiger's sar-spastic comment

I’m confused by this article. Since when is the word “spaz” offensive?

Leonard Shapiro never says what it refers to, only that “[Tiger] clearly would be wise to clean up his language…Woods use of the word ‘spaz’ was obviously inappropriate, as well, but I can’t imagine it was meant to denigrate or humiliate anyone.”

Who is it obvious to? Epileptics? That’s all I could think of.

Shapiro goes on to say that the word probably wasn’t meant to be insensitive because of who it was coming from: “Not from a guy who told ‘60 Minutes’ he had a stuttering problem as a child. Not from a guy who has felt the sting of racial intolerance. Not from a guy who’s own father is now physically incapacitated as he battles cancer. Not from a guy who's foundation has raised millions -- many of them from himself -- to reach out and help disadvantaged youngsters worldwide.”

Somebody enlighten me…is calling someone a spaz on par with a racial slur or the offensive but more widely used “retarded?” No one likes to be referred to as a spaz, but I’ve never heard the word given so much gravity before.

Leonard implies that it is more offensive in Britain, but what’s the connotation? Is it like how Brits use the term “fags” to refer to cigarettes?

Somebody enlighten me on the hidden meaning. Otherwise, I must come to this conclusion:

If you were offended by Tiger, then you are a spaz.

Going bananas

Because I am so immature I get much joy and pleasure out of Careerbuilder’s Monk-E-Mails, apparently some sort of marketing ploy that enables you to literally put the words into a monkey’s mouth. The technology uses text-to-speech recognition to make the monkey say your message, but the weird cadence and computerized voice puts this very weird and hilarious spin to it. Here’s my favorite one that I’ve made so far.

I’ve made some of these so many times that I’ve maxed out my daily number of messages I can create (in my defense, I was trying to find the exact phonetic spelling that would help the monkey with the proper enunciation of “biotch,” but alas I only got to “bee-yatch.”)

I especially think it’s funny to make them say dirty words. I'm so junior high right now.