What color is your parachute—of dating?

When I read articles like this one in the NYT, or read an infamous craigslist posting like this one, or another NYT article like this one, it makes me think, it's no wonder relationships are dysfunctional.

For starters, I've never understood the whole friends with benefits thing. Maybe because I've never had a FWB. If someone is your best friend and you are physically attracted to them too, well, to me that just seems like a no-brainer. Maybe I'm oversimplifying things, and lord knows New Yorkers like to complicate things. But I would think that's what most people are looking for--a best friend whose bones you also want to jump. God forbid anyone should have one of those.

But then there are those who only have a transactional view of relationships, most prominently featured in the craiglist post. [Read: "What am I doing wrong?"] (According to her responder, she's a depreciating asset, and his financial assets aren't, so he'd rather lease than buy, and it's not really a fair transaction.) I swear, not all NYers are this shallow. (Only slightly more than half).

As far as the second NYT article goes--I guess because I've never had a lot of disposable income, I just always assumed that the guy would make more than me to begin with. However, recently, it has occurred to me that I could be the breadwinner in a relationship, esp. if one dates one in a creative field. I'm not gonna lie, it's nice to be able to afford nice dinners and such, and I don't think these girls are denying that. It seems the real issue though is that the guys weren't comfortable with the social implications of the women making more than them. I guess they would never stand a chance with Craigslist girl.

A friend once said to me when she was dating her husband-to-be that relationships would be so much easier if we could have just wear certain color t-shirts on dates that signal what we're really thinking, without having to say it, i.e., "If I wear a green shirt, that means I like you," etc. That would make life so much easier. Here's how I would color-code the t-shirts, one for each color of the rainbow (plus two extras):

Red: I think you're hot and could care less what you're actually saying, but am pretending to be interested so I can tap that ass later.
Orange: I think you're cute but am concerned that our differences in class/friends/social status/political views/race/religion will cause problems for us down the road.
Yellow: I'm trying hard to be attracted to you, but it's not happening, so please don't lean in for a kiss later. This is not a date. I repeat, this is not a date.
Green: I offer my beauty and trophy-wife skills in exchange for your money/power/status, and vice versa.
Blue: You remind of an ex, and I'm on the rebound.
Indigo: I think I like you, see nothing wrong with you at present, and actually want to see where this goes.
Violet: I'm not out of the closet yet and am giving heterosexuality one last college try.

And here's two more:

Black: I'm not at all interested, but I was too nice to say no to this date. (Many women have a lot of black in their wardrobe, so I think this could actually work.)
Jackson Pollock: You're damaged and crazy, but I'm unhealthily attracted by that. (T-shirt color will switch to camoflauge when one attempts to hide from crazy ex.)